12 Tips for Pooping with Smartphones


Look. I know it’s taboo to talk poop. It’s even more taboo to talk about what you do while you poop. But let’s be honest…you know you do it. Yes, everybody poops…but now most of you are doing it with your smartphone. (If you don’t like talking about poop, try this other post I wrote instead.)

I do miss the old days, though. Back when toilet time was just a waiting game. Time to relax and think. Many of mankind’s greatest ideas were birthed on the porcelain throne. It’s an astonishing fact that Smartphones have set back innovation and progress decades, perhaps centuries.

The bathroom used to be Man’s last sanctuary in the home. The one place the noise of the media and the worries of life could not penetrate. The place of great ideas.

No more. The Smartphone has ruined it. Well, mostly. If you have kids, it’s still the last place to at least find a few minutes of quiet. So forgive me if I’m not overly eager to fiber binge so as to minimize my time in the dunny. Besides, let’s be honest, sometimes you need a big move…on Words with Friends and it takes a little while.

In an age obsessed with hyper-productivity and multi-tasking, it’s not surprising we don’t wanna waste these precious moments we’re destined to spend on the can. But here are a few tips to help you navigate the murky waters:

  1. Take your phone out of your pocket (or purse) before you get to the toilet. You can also wait til after you sit. But DO NOT reach for it while standing over the toilet. 19% of people drop their cell phones down the toilet.
  2. No more smartphoning once you start wiping. That’s one thing that was never supposed to be multi-tasked. Let’s try to keep it sanitary, folks. 16% of cellphones have poop on them. But that’s still cleaner than your remote control or your keyboard (which is dirtier than your toilet seat). We can do better.
  3. Don’t Skype. Nobody likes to get Dookie-Rolled.
  4. If you must talk on the phone, wrap up the call before you wipe. It’ll help you avoid the awkward toilet flush in the background.
  5. No need to “check-in.” Seriously.
  6. In general, nobody needs to be privy (online or on-phone) that you’re in the privy. Unless you just wanna test the intimacy levels within your social network.
  7. If you really have a need to get chatty on the potty, check out the iPoo social network app. I haven’t tried it. But the link gave me a good laugh.
  8. If you’re the anal retentive type, try a data dump into your own PooLog (app).
  9. Don’t play games that have endless levels. 30 minutes will go by, your legs will end up asleep and you won’t have wiped yet.
  10. Don’t forget that others may be waiting to use the john, too.
  11. Don’t let the non-smartphoning poopers get you down. They just aren’t comfortable coming out of the water closet yet.
  12. Don’t forget to still find some time each day for some prayer and reflection. Noise and information have permeated every corner of our lives and every idle moment of our day. We are supposed to consume information, not the other way around. Don’t forget that.
 Any more tips I missed?

28 comments Add comment

Jonathan F. Sullivan January 10, 2012 at 8:16 am

This list is worth it for the puns alone — thanks, Matthew!

Annie January 10, 2012 at 8:49 am

Well, it took me 5 minutes to stop laughing so that I could even begin to draft a response! Then there were the periods of continued giggles that delayed me even further! I visualized my own routines, and all things considered, it’s good to know that I’m not alone! LMAO!!!!!

Bert January 10, 2012 at 9:00 am

Great post! The bathroom is still where I get a good deal of reading done and if I forget to grab a magazine/newspaper then I pull my iPhone out of my pocket and browse interesting arrivals like this one.

Kristan January 10, 2012 at 9:07 am

Matt, your are the Catholic blogging ninja. Well written, my friend :)

Blaise January 10, 2012 at 10:25 am

Just for the sake of smartphone pooping productivity and in the spirit of the article, was this post written and posted whilst on the can? Because I can tell you – it was certainly read and commented on while on said can…

Happy Smartphone Pooping everyone!

Matthew Warner January 10, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Blaise – it wasn’t written on the can. But I certainly spent some time stewing it over on the can!

Kyle from Popple January 10, 2012 at 11:45 am

Genius! This might be your best post yet. Could be a micro book.

Carson Weber January 10, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Hold on, let me flush…

Christine January 10, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Hilarious post! I’m glad you had the nerve to write it!

Another important tip I learned the hard way.. do not keep your phone in your back (butt) pocket…what do you think happens when you pull your pants down in front of the toilet?

The first phone I lost that way died because I just looked at it at the bottom of the toilet & said, “Oh crap”… the 2nd one (I’m a slow learner), I just fished it out with lightening speed & it still died… and so did my need to “go”.

Georg Laing January 12, 2012 at 10:51 am

This is disgusting! …but hilarious!

Mike January 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I think using a Bluetooth can take this to a whole new level of phone safety and productivity.

Susan January 20, 2012 at 1:17 pm

As much fun as pottying with the Smart Phone sounds, getting plenty of fiber and having a “get in-do it-get out” experience is still the best approach. Who can really enjoy their Smart Phones if hemorrhoids act up? I know, I know, I’m a party pooper……

ameila February 8, 2012 at 4:11 pm

my opion is that this rule should be added 13 whatch your dog after it comes in from pooping

Buzz March 7, 2012 at 9:00 am

Sometimes you just have to talk when you poop. You know what they say, “S&%t Happens!”

jay July 23, 2012 at 12:10 pm

I’m dropping a deuce RIGHT NOW in my office bathroom. Im liable to spend 3 hours in here with mah new smartphone. Thanls LG an ATT!

Matthew Warner July 24, 2012 at 1:03 am

Jay – that is so disgusting and it made me laugh out loud.

Ari August 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Omg LOVE this article!!! I just happen to come across it as I’m sitting on the can ;). Haven’t laughed this hard on the pooper since….ever?

Woody September 6, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I think everyone is guilty of this petty crime and they are afraid to admit it. My gf thinks it is disgusting but I think it helps you relax and not be bored while just sitting with nothing to do. Either that or someone is focusing way too hard on pushing one out lol. Well written blog here as I too read this one in the loo…

Selina. November 5, 2012 at 12:08 pm

This is actually really ironic…
(And I know is none of your business, but)
I’m reading this while… (Omg, this is awkward…)

So, okay. I’ll try that ‘ipoo’ app..


David December 15, 2012 at 9:42 am

I think it is best to avoid having the smartphone around the toilet.

Mark January 22, 2013 at 4:18 pm

Uh…girls don’t poop

suzee February 13, 2013 at 4:47 am

Mark, It’s good to know that someone out there, knows that girls are exempt from all the above referenced Tom-Doogery-lol-Foolery!

Sage April 10, 2013 at 12:05 am

There is a stand up comic, and I cannot remember her name, who does a thing about how men are so fascinated with poop. She cracked me up! She says if you’re with a man long enough, they will sooner or later want you to look at their poop. They’ll call you from the bathroom and say something like, “Honey, you have got to come and look at this!”
Dropping a deuce? I have never heard that expression before and I could have lived the rest of my life without it!

Smiles May 8, 2013 at 5:39 pm

This is hilarious…but she didn’t address the horrific moment when your cell phone flips out of your hands INTO the poopy water!!!!! You HAVE to retrieve it…and this becomes an entirely gross time in one’s life. It’s happened to me…and trust me it’s funny now but it surely wasn’t remotely so then:)

Hugh Jassburn October 12, 2013 at 3:27 pm

good way of avoiding dropping your smartphone down there is take this book in with you instead ;) http://www.amazon.com/52-Things-While-You-Poo/dp/1849534977/ref=cm_cr-mr-img

poopergirl October 30, 2013 at 12:47 pm

I just took a poop. I loved it. I had my smartphone with me and I still managed to come across this website. Who says smartphones hinder your ability to think of great ideas whilst having a nice poo.

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